I, being a 10 year fan of the Bat, have taken the liberty to compile a list of the top Batman Movies and the ones that sucked so much donkey ass it almost hurt.


I will be comparing many things, including The Batman, The Enemy, Gotham City, The Batmobile, among many other things.


In Order of Worst to Best: LET THE GAMES BEGIN!




#7 - The Dark Knight (2008)- You are doing it WRONG.




Very very very wrong.

            THE BATMAN: No. Wrong. Batman DOES have a tragic history. But Batman does NOT have a balloon shoved so deep into his ass he can´t crack a campy joke here and there. Batman is the seeker of justice, ¨I´m just an ordinary citizen!¨. He looks at things comically but he is still a man of truth. He is not a womanizer, true that Batman has had many girlfriends in the course of the movies but he is always monagamous during that time. The Batman in the Dark Knight was so pathetically serious, it had me saying ¨Why so Serious?¨                

THE BATMOBILE: No, once more. Crappy, a pimped out VW.

THE BAD GUY: The only saving grace of TDK is the Joker.



Armed with amazing logic and the power to turn Gotham into an anarchic mess in less then 24 hours, The Joker has you rooting for him by the final scene of decision, The Batman seems to just spoil the fun, which is not supposed to happen with Batman. EVER.

THE ALFRED: I love Caine, he is a great actor and guy, but he did not do Alfred any sort of justice. When I think of Alfred, I think of a little old English man with little round glasses and a cute little tuxedo that walks around with a serving tray, not a half-drunk, mid-50s Scot with more style in dress then Bruce.

THE GOTHAM: NO. Where are all the big statues? The corny buildings? The Cheesy cars and people wearing suits/suit dresses constantly? Gotham is supposed to be a pimped out 50´s style New York, not a Los Angeles.

THE SMEX: None. And BTW: Rachel was an ugly fuck, to look at her face straight I needed to turn my head completely upside-down.


OVERALL: 2/5. Go see the Joker. He kicks ass. Other then that, Bruce Wayne could pierce my heart with how sharp his cheekbones are.



#6 - Batman Begins - Once Again. No. Wrong.




THE BATMAN: Once more portrayed by the lovely (cough) Bale. This came before TDK, however it still retains all the ¨more hollywood shocks, less DC pops¨ theme. The Batman suit was kept to a minimum, no colors, no detail other then the grotesque amount of muscle armor. Seemingly the Bat belt is nothing but boxes and the cape seems to always have wind behind it to keep it flowing. A Pathetic Portrayal of out beloved Bat. I placed this under TDK because I was a fan of how it went back in time to the life of Bruce Wayne.

THE BATMOBILE: No different then the one in TDK:



THE BAD GUY: In this case, Bad Guys. Very good portrayals of Scarecrow among others, I appreciated the accuracy.

THE ALFRED: Caine again. No, Again.

THE GOTHAM: Seemingly filmed between a random Florida Road and a house, there basically is no portrayal of Gotham.

THE SMEX: That fucking Rachel again.



#5 Batman Forever - Getting Better, Getting Closer.




THE BATMAN: Although I have a huge problem with Val Kilmer´s feminine lips, there is no denying he was totally into the Batman role. The suit was more Batman then I had originally anticipated, and I enjoyed that they actually included Robin for once. Chris did a great job as the sidekick, a few laughs here and there, this is a definite must see on my opinion.

THE BATMOBILE: THERE it is, there is the campy, crazy, winged Batmobile I have been waiting to see. THANK YOU.



The wheels were a bit too much for me, it is supposed to be for stealth, not pimp points, but we are close now to what it is supposed to be.

THE BAD GUY: Two Face and The Riddler were portrayed masterfully, with all the pizzaz and humor of the comics in which they were introduced (1943 and 1948). Two Face is sporting his multi-suit and the Riddler, played by humor master Jim Carry, kept to the original green-suit/riddle cane of the original days.

THE ALFRED: Michel Gough, where have you been my whole life? Playing in virtually all the Batman films, the man picked up a thing or two about Alfred. He is Bruce´s friend, butler, parent, he is the comic´s comic relief and life. My hat off.



THE GOTHAM: Closer to what it is supposed to be, but mostly computer animated so there are major gaps, as well as everything is looking way too close to Normal. Gotham is not a normal city. Gotham has a batman protecting it and random bad ass dudes coming from no where, it does not deserve to look like our cities, friends.


THE SMEX: Although it is not direct, the way Batman and Robin look at each other... come on peoples.



#4 Batman Returns: Danny DeVito, a hell of a lot of Penguins and a sexy Dominatrix!



THE BATMAN: Michel Keaton IS Batman. HE IS the Batman of the silver screen generation. He attributes comedy, sarcasm, lust and serious-kick-assness in his portrayal of the Bat. I made this movie number 3, only because it is not as good quality a movie as the others, but Directed by Tim Burton, the legendary stop-motion animator, nothing could really go too bad.

THE BATMOBILE:  FIIIIYYAA! Now THAT, that right there, makes the Batmobile, from the dawn of Batman, fire from the ass of the Batmobile has been the signature drive in the scene transitions, and this Batmobile gots it.



THE BAD GUY: Danny DeVito plays the Penguin in this one, and  Pfeiffer plays the Catwoman. The Penguin is a fantastic character and he was done justice, but it left me asking: WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL THOSE PENGUINS COME FROM??? Ahem. But The Catwoman was portrayed far better then in her main feature ¨CatWoman¨ when portrayed by Hallie Barry. She has quite the character in this one, and the transformation from a shy secretary to a seeker of revenge was amazing to watch.

THE ALFRED: Michel Gough again. You can´t Gough wrong with Gough. :D

THE GOTHAM: YESSSSSS. YESSSSSSSS, CHARLES. This is the Gotham that built Gotham.



Yes. The massive statues of random people, lights, smoke, turning kittie heads and insanely overly sized buildings, this Gotham has the spunk I expected. Yes, I say. Yes.


THE SMEX: Major, Major lust happening between Catwoman and Batman, very sad at the end when he looses her.


OVERALL: 3/5 - Well done.  Eat Floor.Very high in Fiber.



#3 - Batman and Robin - Ya´ll can fuck yourselves.






THE BATMAN: George Clooney, Peace be upon him, stars as the dark knight in this comical feature. You know what? Everyone hated this movie except for me. Everyone fucking hated it´s guts and George, poor man, was left ridiculed and broken like a hooker on Santa Monica.

I loved him, he was awesome, Geroge Clooney is actually what I would expect a Bruce Wayne to be. Bruce Wayne is accompanied by Robin and Batgirl, Batgirl being the niece of Alfred, coming from college due to word that Alfred is sick. Moving on...

THE BAD GUY: Starring Mr.Freeze and the lovely Poison Ivy, portrayed by Gov.Arnnie S and Uma Thigh-man. I don´t care how campy it was, but come on. A love-struck-depressed Super-Jack Frost and a villain that could very well advertise for Green Peace.... What´s not to love?

THE ALFRED: Once again... Mr. Gough. The amazing, under-rated butler. Nuff said.

THE BATMOBILE:  Looks pretty damn cool and fits in with the rest of the movie, not as subtle or sleek as the Batmobile´s of Keaton´s Batman, however it is glowy and... firey and... you know..

THE GOTHAM:  You honestly do not see much of Gotham, but it looked way toooo normal for my tastes.

THE SMEX: Where there is a Robin, there is a way!!



OVERALL: 3 1/2 / 5 - BATSKATES!


#2 - Batman - The Movie (1966)



THE BATMAN: Adam! Adam! I love you Adam! No muscles, no fancy CGI, no fancy nothing. Just good old entertainment.  Robin is as awesome as a Robin could be. Batman´s underage Ward/Sexslave gets his ass kidnapped every 2 minutes, and thus the purpose to the movie is for the Dark Knight (although not so dark, more gray then dark) to save him every 2 minutes and combat the Riddler and The Joker.


POW! BANG! WHAP!


THE BATMOBILE: POW! BANG! POW! LINCOLN FUTERA!



That is right, it is just a regular car with some awesome pimpin gear.

I want this Car. I am not kidding. It is just.... It makes me want to say:

¨TO THE BATMOBILE, BITCHES!¨


THE BAD GUY: All our favorite characters appear in this flick!

The infamous Cesar Romaro playing The Joker, Lee Meriwether as Catwoman, Burgess Meridith as The Penguin, and Frank Gorshin as the Riddler.

At the time, the Comic introduction of all of these Characters, including the Batman, was so recent that it is impossible to be on the spot with the character portrayals. Frank Gorshin is my favorite Riddler, even more then Jim Carry, mainly because the Riddlers Character was a lot less complicated at the time.  The Penguin, although a bit starved, was like an insane Willy Wonka of evil, and nothing needs to be said for Cesar and Lee, two great actors in great roles.


THE ALFRED: Not my Gough, but Napper does an outstanding job playing Alfred Pennyworth.


THE GOTHAM: Gotham looks like a desert in Nevada. Looks like most of it was done in the backyard of the Bruce Wayne Estate. But the characters were so good that it was to the point where the scenery did not matter not one bit. All you were focused on was Batman and Robin.


THE SMEX: I need not say nothing.





Dununununununununuununnnn HOMOSEXITIME!


OVERALL: 4 1/2 out of 5 - Whoop. Go get it. NOW.



And the prize for number 1 is..........


BATMAN (1989)!!!!!



THE BATMAN: You got the yellow! The BLACK! The Silver! The Grey! The Keaton! The humor! The body! You are ready to succeed in everything! Phail doth not becommith of you!

THE BATMOBILE: The Fire! The black! The wings! The utter lack of fail!

THE BAD GUY: The Joker! The Nicholson! The Accurate Story! The Purple! No Fail!

THE ALFRED: The Gough! The ultimate fail killer!

THE GOTHAM: The everything!

THE SMEX:



¨Come closer Batsie!¨

OVERALL: 9000000/5. Fucking Period.




~Lynch~